Mourning is much more than deep grief over the death of someone related to us. Mourning, the act of grieving any loss significant to us occurs prior to our minds and hearts releasing the loss into the abyss and finding peace within our reality.
I was taught a long time ago the mourning is similar to extracting memories from our past, as if they were expressed on an index card, and reviewing the content, then letting it go. Being very young at the time I had no idea what this meant. Later on I was also told that I refused to go through the mourning process for my losses. My thinking at the time was that, ” What a waste of time and energy. Just get on with it.” and I did. Off I went, unmourned, into the jungle of my very busy life.
Now that the pandemic and new business ventures require peace and quiet, my mind, all by itself decided to bring forward and endless list of index cards showing my past right smack in my face. Lost loves, lost enemies, dead friends, dead pets, parading and crowding my mind. The known thought that you see your life before your eyes was happening and I could not stop it. I did not know what to make of these constant events in full color like a movie. Then the past words about my refusal to mourn and the index card comparison saved me from declaring myself mad and I decided to flow with it. Joy, pain, anger, bewilderment, understanding. It is still ongoing and I struggle with all of them. The heart suffers a slow death and mine had refused to let go. As I revisit the index card events from my past my bag of luggage has become lighter. Some measure of peace has settled within me as I release old angers. My future looks brighter and more peaceful. I wish I had understood this process earlier. Now is good too.
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